The Rantings of a Manic Depressive

It's a scary world....

2010-07-23T16:59:00.004+01:00

Meant to be going to a party tonight, my mates housewarming/birthday celebrations. Going to be quite a few people I don't know plus I've spent the last few days (as I have already said) hearing stuff. This usually gets worse when I'm stressed and rather unfortunately, people stress me out. So, valium, my sweet friend, do your thing!!!!!

Feeling generally stressed and depressed today and not sure whether forcing myself to go out in this instance is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm sure there are arguments for both.

I'm going to put my heels on and venture out. It's a scary world out there when it's a scary world in here (points to head)!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

Zodiac - 7.5/10 Half Decent thriller - but don't expect the brilliance of Se7en or Fight Club

Very True

2010-07-21T01:10:00.002+01:00

If you are physically sick, you can elicit the interest of a battery of physicians; but if you are mentally sick, you are lucky if the janitor comes around - Martin H.Fischer

New Psychiatrist and Diagnosis Change(?)

2010-07-21T00:44:00.004+01:00

So I went to my appointment today, nervous as usual and expecting to see my usual psych but to my surprise I was called in to see the consultant psychiatrist (I'm not too sure what I did to warrant such an upgrade). He was really nice, had to give my history again for the 5th time in my life as a mental, I don't know why they don't have it in my file - I feel like a skipping record sometimes. Anyway, to get to my point, he seems genuinely concerned as to my mental wellbeing which is always a plus in a psychiatrist, dontcha think?!

However at the end of my appointment after having to regale him with the stories off my recent psychotic episode I stupidly asked "do you think my diagnosis is correct?" His reply was worrying. He's basically not sure, said that I wasn't a nice little package. Hmm, ambiguous! Wish I could have heard what he was thinking, I mean on a scale of 1 to 10 how insane does he think I am? If the definition of insanity is mental derangement - I'm your gal, it's just a case of how insane.

I'm still hearing voices on and off, getting kind of worried, they really seem determined to hang around and piss me off. I'm ignoring them, but its hard, like having a mosquito buzzing round your head all day. Only it's louder and speaking English!! Got a headache at the moment. There is a saying that I particularly like - "I have my own little world - but it's okay they know me here". The voices are sometimes too unkind for me to feel exactly like that way - but I get it!

Time for an early night after last night's lack of sleep. Just crossing my fingers that I can get to sleep. My dose of Quetiapine has been upped so theoretically shouldn't be a problem.

Oh and I'm going back to grading films.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace xx

The Soloist - 8/10. An honest look at mental health and homelessness. Fantastic performances and a wonderful score.

Poem For Matt

2010-07-20T05:12:00.003+01:00

Whether you wish to call it fate or chance or destiny,
I believe that you and I were clearly meant to be,
All those moments in my life that I don't handle well,
You are there to pick me up and guide me through that hell.
And so in turn when you are weak I am there for you,
Doing everything I can that you yourself can't do.
But it is when both you and I, are on form that we,
Combine in a fusion of this perfect chemistry.
I'd always thought a soul mate a fictive beast of myth,
Though as you are mine, I'm wrong and so my vows herewith;
From this day on I vow when distance comes between us,
Straightway to you I'll turn when I'm in need of solace.
I'll be the one that you need to keep you free from harm,
To cultivate your dreams and to be your good luck charm,
There are many things that I would like to promise now,
But I cannot find the words, can't figure out just how.
And so in brief, I will sum up what this verse explores,
I love you more and more each day and am, as always, yours.

Well it's been a year....

2010-07-20T04:24:00.002+01:00

So it's been just over a year since I last posted on this blog. I set this site up in the first place as a place I could go to vent and voice my concerns or worries, and I found it less useful than I thought I would. Maybe I was looking for a therapy, writing my feelings, seeing them in print. Well it didn't work, I still felt shit but things are different now; really, really different. One year ago I could never have seen myself where I am now. Some things have changed for the good, some for the bad.The major changes are these:

I'm getting divorced and I live with my boyfriend, Matt. I came to the realisation that I didn't love Gary anymore and it took me a while to build up the courage to do something about it (I mean who wants to be divorced at 24?) but eventually I asked him for that divorce and it's now in the process of going through. I miss his friendship and it makes me quite sad sometimes but I have a new best friend and I love Matt with all of my - everything!!!! We live together in a one bedroom flat, so no dogs, I miss Amy and Squeeze terribly, but I made my choice and that meant leaving them too, I get to see them occasionally.

I have more friends than when I last posted thanks to being in a new relationship. I spend more time playing music, mainly the piano but I've started up the oboe again as of today. My relationship with my family has improved, my Dad and I have started speaking regularly and my Brother and I are very close. Michelle, my childhood friend, I see at least once a week, when I'm well. So all in all there have been a lot of positive changes. However, where there is joy - there is pain.....

My mental health in the last year has gone from bad to worse. In October of 2009 I started getting auditory hallucinations when very depressed. I'd hear music when there was none, voices shouting my name when out in busy places, a man pacing the corridor outside the bedroom as I tried to sleep. This was petrifying. I had been coping with mental health problems since the age of 11 (as far as I can remember) but I'd always felt sane. Suddenly I felt crazy. Lying started to become second nature; I had always carried a certain pride that I refused to lie about my condition (except to my Great Nana, at the request of my family) but now when asked if I was okay, my automatic reaction was "Yes, I'm fine". Scared of being deemed unfit to be part of society.

It was only a few weeks later when I realised that my relationship with Gary carried no love anymore and was no more than a good friendship. I ended it and by happenstance I became involved with someone I have since learnt is my soulmate. Regardless of your own opinion as to whether there is the perfect someone out there for everyone, just trust that he is mine. :)

Just before Christmas, the DVLA wrote to me and informed me that they believed me unfit to drive in my current medical state as I had not been stable for 3 months prior to my licence renewal. I suddenly felt extremely incapacitated, leaving the house was hard enough already and now I had no home (I was living with my parents), most of my belongings were at my old house and I couldn't get around without even more help than usual, (I still have no licence).

In the last 6 months the hallucinations have got worse, I still hear music, and voices calling my name but now there are three succinct voices, all male, one who speaks the most often. I don't necessarily have to be depressed or manic anymore for them to start talking. It's so embarassing and I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope with. I am now on anti-psychotics to try and combat them and they do help but they don't completely erase them.

On top of that, my psychiatrist and I decided to try something experimental after she admitted to me that I was a difficult case and she didn't know what to do with me. She put me on an antidepressant. Now for most this would be a good move, I am getting more and more depressed, maybe not as severely but definitely more regularly than before so an antidepressant should help with that. However, the last time I took an antidepressant it screwed me up and made me manic. We took the chance though and it went VERY badly. I ended up experiencing 5 days of visual and auditory hallucinations in conjunction with paranoid psychosis. I wish I didn't remember it and I'm not quite ready to write about it but believe me when I say I was scared, really scared and I still am. What if it happens again?

So all in all, the past year, my day to day life has improved but my mental condition has gotten worse - it's a twisted world, huh?
So I think you're all caught up, apart from the fact that I'm now 5 days with no Lithium after suspected Lithium Toxicity from dehydration after holidaying in Egypt. It's turning me into a real bitch and I'm scared that drug-free Stacey is not a nice person. It's 5am - I can't sleep even after taking Sero (which knocks me out usually) because I'm hearing stuff intermittently and I've got a psych appointment in 6 hours that I'm dreading!

F.M.L

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
xx

Apologies for my absence

2009-06-24T01:09:00.002+01:00

Haven't had a new post for a few days now so sorry about that.

Been feeling really good and have been busy.

I'll hopefully come on here tomorrow and leave you a nice, witty, clever post but if that fails there will be something you can at least read.

If anyone wants to get in contact with me, email me at swarren11@btinternet.com

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

I'm a quitter

2009-06-17T01:44:00.003+01:00

Its the only thing I am consistently good at.

I have just cancelled my therapy sessions for good.

They weren't helping at all - it was such a waste of money. It was psychoanalytical counselling and it was not for me. CBT is also not for me.

So... from now on I'll take my meds, keep my head down and survive.

I feel like such a quitter now though - even though it wasn't helping I feel guilty for not carrying on. I feel bad for Annabelle my counsellor because I couldn't even build up the guts to tell her in person or even ring. Whenever I went to I got panicky.

Its 2am now and I am gonna have to take some Zopiclone.

Woohoo! Zopiclone sleep - my favourite!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

p.s. Today wasn't quite as bad as I envisioned.

Feeling Shit

2009-06-16T14:03:00.004+01:00

Nothing to say except I'm feeling shit.

Really tired and don't want to do anything. No energy at all.

Hoping it's just a stumble and will get better but I have an odd feeling that it will go the other way, I can usually tell.

I'm so tired of life.

Anxiety and old "friends"

2009-06-14T13:24:00.003+01:00

Today I was meant to be on an audition panel at my local theatre. The auditions are for this years pantomime and one of my closest friends, Robert, is directing. I was quite looking forward to getting out of the house and doing something, until I found out that "she" was going to be there.

"She" was my maid of honour, much older than me - 50 - but a good friend and always so funny but when we got involved in a production together she became so unreasonable and we had a massive falling out, I won't bore you with the details.

We made up and I asked her to be my prompt for the show I directed and guess what - "she" tried to get her claws into my show too and started to direct from the prompts chair. I asked her not too, so "she" insulted me in front of the cast. Immature, huh?

I was so upset by this that I lost my confidence and ended up not directing the show, I brought in Robert to help me.

Since this incident we haven't really talked, I get panicky if I see "her" and if I know "she'll" be somewhere I struggle to want to go out.

Well... Robert invited "her" onto the casting committee today as well. Thanks for that.
I can't believe he did it, he knows how uncomfortable "she" makes me, I have been close to full on panic attacks when "she's" there and he's seen that.

So, that was a long story to say that that one little incident (me seeing on my email that"she" was going to be there today) has made me feel really, really shit.

Gary is down there now explaining and making my excuses to Robert. Feel so debilitated right now.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

My very own Dementor

2009-06-09T23:49:00.005+01:00

Hey,

For those who haven't read the Harry Potter books this may be lost on you but I will try to explain.

For the last couple of months I have been feeling like someone is right behind me all the time. It's worse when I'm down but always there.

I realise that everyone has that odd feeling like someones watching them every now and then but I can't shift it.

It scares me when its dark and just worries me when its light. Its hard to talk about with anyone without seeming delusional, but I'm not. I know nothing is there - it just feels like there is.

Anyway, JK Rowling describes the Dementors in Harry Potter as the foulest creatures that walk this earth, if you get too near one it will suck every good feeling out of you, and if you let it it will feed on you until you are reduced to nothing, soulless, with nothing but bad memories.

When I read this, although I have read it (many times) before, I cried and cried because suddenly I could not shake the idea that this presence was a Dementor (because after all Dementors are invisible to muggles "humans").

I feel so depressed so much of the time and no matter how hard I try, I can't conjure any happy thoughts to conquer it.

I know this all sounds ridiculous and I don't really think a dementor is following me, I just found the description to be accurate to how I feel and the fact that I see no end in sight, no break from this illness and if continued I will become a shell.

I have few friends, a family who refuse to understand, no hobbies because I can't do them anymore, no career, no social life and I am very lonely. Things are also starting to feel a bit stretched at home but I'm sure it's just a blip.

Love and Best Wishes

Stace

Panic at the Cinema

2009-06-08T13:32:00.004+01:00

Long weekend...

Friday night was absolutely horrible. Got Gary to take me over to cinema only to have a small panic attack in queue as it was busy and we were running late and all the other things that seemed massive at the time. So we left and drove the half hour back home. I felt so bad that I started taking out on him, clever huh?

The rest of the weekend has kind of had that hanging over it really but we did get over to cinema (twice actually) and spent some time together.

Have decided that rather than posting full length reviews, I'm gonna use a point rating /10 and a couple of words about it.

I'm extremely tired today as I had 2 hours sleep last night, just couldn't sleep, so gonna leave it there for today.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

Terminator Salvation: 6.5/10. Unintelligent entertainment

Drag Me To Hell: 9.5/10. Gross, frightening and funny as hell

Web Anxiety, Big Brother and Cooking

2009-06-05T14:09:00.005+01:00

Hello Again,
Had such a weird morning. Dogs woke me up at 7am, had to walk them, went back to bed and then slept for much longer than I had planned for. Feeling more sleepy now than I did at 7. Oh well.

Gary's in London today and I have nothing to do - reckon the day might drag a bit.

Yesterday wasn't quite as bad as I expected though as a friend came over to see me and we dyed my hair black again.

This is all boring stuff though. Who watched Big Brother last night?

What a load of odd-uns! Might stayed tuned in for a bit but I can't help but feel dirty with that statement.

I've tried really hard not to get stressed out about anything this week, which kind of meant not really doing much, and sometimes I've still found myself getting worked up over nothing. Seriously not funny. For example, cooking, something that most people have to do if they want to eat. I have either had to ask Gary to cook or have just ended up shoving something in the oven and you know what that means...unhealthy!
Even today - cooking is about 5 hours away and I'm worrying about it. Thats screwed up.

I got anxious checking my emails the other day - web anxiety is what I'm coining it.

I seem to have a visitor (my nan) so gonna go and smile dutifully.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

Sleep, Vets, Sleep

2009-06-04T12:32:00.004+01:00

Good Afternoon,
Wanted to point people towards a fantastic blog - http://www.mentallyinteresting.org.uk/ - funny and insightful.

Okay so I didn't watch Zoolander yesterday but I did finally start Six Feet Under like i said I would, only to fall asleep. Doh! The minute I turn off the computer and put on the TV, I'll fall asleep again, I can just sense it.

Tell me, how come in the day when I want to stay awake I can't and at night when I need to sleep its impossible. Twisted huh?

Took Amy to the vet today and she had an x-ray so she is so sleepy right now, we'll curl up and Squeezy will have run of the house - I think he'd like that.

Going to be a lonely day today. Gary's at work and at band practice tonight and I don't feel like going out of the house anymore. Driving to the vets and back twice has exhausted me. I never use to get this tired but everything is such a challenge now. Even showering tires me.

Right - enough moaning - lets see if I can actually stay awake and watch something. Haha!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

Incovenience and tiredness

2009-06-03T11:05:00.002+01:00

Good Morning.

Just got back from walking the hounds and I think I need a nap. So tired! Got off to sleep at about 3.30am. Bloody Recreation Ground alley shut off though for tree cutting. Had to manage the dogs round the block, quite a challenge.

Feeling a little subdued today. Hope it passes quickly - I've quite enjoyed the hyperactivity of the last few days.

Think I might either start watching Six Feet Under today or maybe watch Zoolander. Seen it loads of times but will still post a review later on.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

Can you believe the ignorance...

2009-06-03T02:00:00.002+01:00

You will not believe what I just came across on the internet.
A question from someone on yahoo answers.....

"My boyfriend lives with someone with Bipolar Disorder, will he catch it?"

GGGGGRRRRRR!!!!

Can you believe the ignorance that so many people must still have if that question is anything to go by?

Its 2am - I wanna sleep. Fat chance. Zopiclone for me tonight!

Stace
x

Loneliness and Film Recommendations

2009-06-03T00:06:00.003+01:00

Not too sure right now whether I will be blogging to myself for the rest of my life but I will stick with it.

Didn't watch Six Feet Under but finally finished watching Letters from Iwo Jima. Good film, shame I don't have the concentration to watch subtitled films all in one go sometimes. Meh!

If anyone does come on here and reads this and can recommend some good films - I am always looking for new films to watch.

Love and Best Wishes

Stace x

First Post

2009-06-02T13:31:00.002+01:00

So I don't really want to do a history of me. Especially as there's a lot of it. If you want to know something particular ask.

Little rant from me today. The last few days have been a bit weird. I have been off my Lithium for about a week because I accidentally overdosed last week and had to wait til my levels went down before I could start it again. It has sent me a little odd.

Sort of hypomanic maybe, bit overconfident for me and getting a bit more irritable, not being able to sleep, laughing a lot that sort of thing.

Well this morning I woke up after 5 hours sleep because the dogs needed to go out, well when I woke up I felt awful. I took a sleeping tablet as well as the first dose of lithium last night so I felt a little drunk this morning. Was stumbling round public park with dogs and Amy (one of the dogs) ran off and tried to go in the local community centre. Well I came up behind her and was calling her and some c**k-end told me to be quiet and shushed me.SSSHH.
I was so angry, I ignored him and restrained myself but I am still annoyed about it 3 hours later. ITS A PUBLIC PARK!! Not his back garden.

Anyway that is my first rant, I'm quite proud.

Off to watch Six Feet Under now. Gonna start watching them all again. Yea!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
xx