It's a scary world....

Meant to be going to a party tonight, my mates housewarming/birthday celebrations. Going to be quite a few people I don't know plus I've spent the last few days (as I have already said) hearing stuff. This usually gets worse when I'm stressed and rather unfortunately, people stress me out. So, valium, my sweet friend, do your thing!!!!!

Feeling generally stressed and depressed today and not sure whether forcing myself to go out in this instance is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm sure there are arguments for both.

I'm going to put my heels on and venture out. It's a scary world out there when it's a scary world in here (points to head)!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

Zodiac - 7.5/10 Half Decent thriller - but don't expect the brilliance of Se7en or Fight Club

Very True

If you are physically sick, you can elicit the interest of a battery of physicians; but if you are mentally sick, you are lucky if the janitor comes around - Martin H.Fischer

New Psychiatrist and Diagnosis Change(?)

So I went to my appointment today, nervous as usual and expecting to see my usual psych but to my surprise I was called in to see the consultant psychiatrist (I'm not too sure what I did to warrant such an upgrade). He was really nice, had to give my history again for the 5th time in my life as a mental, I don't know why they don't have it in my file - I feel like a skipping record sometimes. Anyway, to get to my point, he seems genuinely concerned as to my mental wellbeing which is always a plus in a psychiatrist, dontcha think?!

However at the end of my appointment after having to regale him with the stories off my recent psychotic episode I stupidly asked "do you think my diagnosis is correct?" His reply was worrying. He's basically not sure, said that I wasn't a nice little package. Hmm, ambiguous! Wish I could have heard what he was thinking, I mean on a scale of 1 to 10 how insane does he think I am? If the definition of insanity is mental derangement - I'm your gal, it's just a case of how insane.

I'm still hearing voices on and off, getting kind of worried, they really seem determined to hang around and piss me off. I'm ignoring them, but its hard, like having a mosquito buzzing round your head all day. Only it's louder and speaking English!! Got a headache at the moment. There is a saying that I particularly like - "I have my own little world - but it's okay they know me here". The voices are sometimes too unkind for me to feel exactly like that way - but I get it!

Time for an early night after last night's lack of sleep. Just crossing my fingers that I can get to sleep. My dose of Quetiapine has been upped so theoretically shouldn't be a problem.

Oh and I'm going back to grading films.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace xx

The Soloist - 8/10. An honest look at mental health and homelessness. Fantastic performances and a wonderful score.

Poem For Matt

Whether you wish to call it fate or chance or destiny,
I believe that you and I were clearly meant to be,
All those moments in my life that I don't handle well,
You are there to pick me up and guide me through that hell.
And so in turn when you are weak I am there for you,
Doing everything I can that you yourself can't do.
But it is when both you and I, are on form that we,
Combine in a fusion of this perfect chemistry.
I'd always thought a soul mate a fictive beast of myth,
Though as you are mine, I'm wrong and so my vows herewith;
From this day on I vow when distance comes between us,
Straightway to you I'll turn when I'm in need of solace.
I'll be the one that you need to keep you free from harm,
To cultivate your dreams and to be your good luck charm,
There are many things that I would like to promise now,
But I cannot find the words, can't figure out just how.
And so in brief, I will sum up what this verse explores,
I love you more and more each day and am, as always, yours.

Well it's been a year....

So it's been just over a year since I last posted on this blog. I set this site up in the first place as a place I could go to vent and voice my concerns or worries, and I found it less useful than I thought I would. Maybe I was looking for a therapy, writing my feelings, seeing them in print. Well it didn't work, I still felt shit but things are different now; really, really different. One year ago I could never have seen myself where I am now. Some things have changed for the good, some for the bad.The major changes are these:

I'm getting divorced and I live with my boyfriend, Matt. I came to the realisation that I didn't love Gary anymore and it took me a while to build up the courage to do something about it (I mean who wants to be divorced at 24?) but eventually I asked him for that divorce and it's now in the process of going through. I miss his friendship and it makes me quite sad sometimes but I have a new best friend and I love Matt with all of my - everything!!!! We live together in a one bedroom flat, so no dogs, I miss Amy and Squeeze terribly, but I made my choice and that meant leaving them too, I get to see them occasionally.

I have more friends than when I last posted thanks to being in a new relationship. I spend more time playing music, mainly the piano but I've started up the oboe again as of today. My relationship with my family has improved, my Dad and I have started speaking regularly and my Brother and I are very close. Michelle, my childhood friend, I see at least once a week, when I'm well. So all in all there have been a lot of positive changes. However, where there is joy - there is pain.....

My mental health in the last year has gone from bad to worse. In October of 2009 I started getting auditory hallucinations when very depressed. I'd hear music when there was none, voices shouting my name when out in busy places, a man pacing the corridor outside the bedroom as I tried to sleep. This was petrifying. I had been coping with mental health problems since the age of 11 (as far as I can remember) but I'd always felt sane. Suddenly I felt crazy. Lying started to become second nature; I had always carried a certain pride that I refused to lie about my condition (except to my Great Nana, at the request of my family) but now when asked if I was okay, my automatic reaction was "Yes, I'm fine". Scared of being deemed unfit to be part of society.

It was only a few weeks later when I realised that my relationship with Gary carried no love anymore and was no more than a good friendship. I ended it and by happenstance I became involved with someone I have since learnt is my soulmate. Regardless of your own opinion as to whether there is the perfect someone out there for everyone, just trust that he is mine. :)

Just before Christmas, the DVLA wrote to me and informed me that they believed me unfit to drive in my current medical state as I had not been stable for 3 months prior to my licence renewal. I suddenly felt extremely incapacitated, leaving the house was hard enough already and now I had no home (I was living with my parents), most of my belongings were at my old house and I couldn't get around without even more help than usual, (I still have no licence).

In the last 6 months the hallucinations have got worse, I still hear music, and voices calling my name but now there are three succinct voices, all male, one who speaks the most often. I don't necessarily have to be depressed or manic anymore for them to start talking. It's so embarassing and I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope with. I am now on anti-psychotics to try and combat them and they do help but they don't completely erase them.

On top of that, my psychiatrist and I decided to try something experimental after she admitted to me that I was a difficult case and she didn't know what to do with me. She put me on an antidepressant. Now for most this would be a good move, I am getting more and more depressed, maybe not as severely but definitely more regularly than before so an antidepressant should help with that. However, the last time I took an antidepressant it screwed me up and made me manic. We took the chance though and it went VERY badly. I ended up experiencing 5 days of visual and auditory hallucinations in conjunction with paranoid psychosis. I wish I didn't remember it and I'm not quite ready to write about it but believe me when I say I was scared, really scared and I still am. What if it happens again?

So all in all, the past year, my day to day life has improved but my mental condition has gotten worse - it's a twisted world, huh?
So I think you're all caught up, apart from the fact that I'm now 5 days with no Lithium after suspected Lithium Toxicity from dehydration after holidaying in Egypt. It's turning me into a real bitch and I'm scared that drug-free Stacey is not a nice person. It's 5am - I can't sleep even after taking Sero (which knocks me out usually) because I'm hearing stuff intermittently and I've got a psych appointment in 6 hours that I'm dreading!

F.M.L

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
xx

Apologies for my absence

Haven't had a new post for a few days now so sorry about that.

Been feeling really good and have been busy.

I'll hopefully come on here tomorrow and leave you a nice, witty, clever post but if that fails there will be something you can at least read.

If anyone wants to get in contact with me, email me at swarren11@btinternet.com

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

I'm a quitter

Its the only thing I am consistently good at.

I have just cancelled my therapy sessions for good.

They weren't helping at all - it was such a waste of money. It was psychoanalytical counselling and it was not for me. CBT is also not for me.

So... from now on I'll take my meds, keep my head down and survive.

I feel like such a quitter now though - even though it wasn't helping I feel guilty for not carrying on. I feel bad for Annabelle my counsellor because I couldn't even build up the guts to tell her in person or even ring. Whenever I went to I got panicky.

Its 2am now and I am gonna have to take some Zopiclone.

Woohoo! Zopiclone sleep - my favourite!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

p.s. Today wasn't quite as bad as I envisioned.