Apologies for my absence

Haven't had a new post for a few days now so sorry about that.

Been feeling really good and have been busy.

I'll hopefully come on here tomorrow and leave you a nice, witty, clever post but if that fails there will be something you can at least read.

If anyone wants to get in contact with me, email me at swarren11@btinternet.com

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

I'm a quitter

Its the only thing I am consistently good at.

I have just cancelled my therapy sessions for good.

They weren't helping at all - it was such a waste of money. It was psychoanalytical counselling and it was not for me. CBT is also not for me.

So... from now on I'll take my meds, keep my head down and survive.

I feel like such a quitter now though - even though it wasn't helping I feel guilty for not carrying on. I feel bad for Annabelle my counsellor because I couldn't even build up the guts to tell her in person or even ring. Whenever I went to I got panicky.

Its 2am now and I am gonna have to take some Zopiclone.

Woohoo! Zopiclone sleep - my favourite!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

p.s. Today wasn't quite as bad as I envisioned.

Feeling Shit

Nothing to say except I'm feeling shit.

Really tired and don't want to do anything. No energy at all.

Hoping it's just a stumble and will get better but I have an odd feeling that it will go the other way, I can usually tell.

I'm so tired of life.

Anxiety and old "friends"

Today I was meant to be on an audition panel at my local theatre. The auditions are for this years pantomime and one of my closest friends, Robert, is directing. I was quite looking forward to getting out of the house and doing something, until I found out that "she" was going to be there.

"She" was my maid of honour, much older than me - 50 - but a good friend and always so funny but when we got involved in a production together she became so unreasonable and we had a massive falling out, I won't bore you with the details.

We made up and I asked her to be my prompt for the show I directed and guess what - "she" tried to get her claws into my show too and started to direct from the prompts chair. I asked her not too, so "she" insulted me in front of the cast. Immature, huh?

I was so upset by this that I lost my confidence and ended up not directing the show, I brought in Robert to help me.

Since this incident we haven't really talked, I get panicky if I see "her" and if I know "she'll" be somewhere I struggle to want to go out.

Well... Robert invited "her" onto the casting committee today as well. Thanks for that.
I can't believe he did it, he knows how uncomfortable "she" makes me, I have been close to full on panic attacks when "she's" there and he's seen that.

So, that was a long story to say that that one little incident (me seeing on my email that"she" was going to be there today) has made me feel really, really shit.

Gary is down there now explaining and making my excuses to Robert. Feel so debilitated right now.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

My very own Dementor

Hey,

For those who haven't read the Harry Potter books this may be lost on you but I will try to explain.

For the last couple of months I have been feeling like someone is right behind me all the time. It's worse when I'm down but always there.

I realise that everyone has that odd feeling like someones watching them every now and then but I can't shift it.

It scares me when its dark and just worries me when its light. Its hard to talk about with anyone without seeming delusional, but I'm not. I know nothing is there - it just feels like there is.

Anyway, JK Rowling describes the Dementors in Harry Potter as the foulest creatures that walk this earth, if you get too near one it will suck every good feeling out of you, and if you let it it will feed on you until you are reduced to nothing, soulless, with nothing but bad memories.

When I read this, although I have read it (many times) before, I cried and cried because suddenly I could not shake the idea that this presence was a Dementor (because after all Dementors are invisible to muggles "humans").

I feel so depressed so much of the time and no matter how hard I try, I can't conjure any happy thoughts to conquer it.

I know this all sounds ridiculous and I don't really think a dementor is following me, I just found the description to be accurate to how I feel and the fact that I see no end in sight, no break from this illness and if continued I will become a shell.

I have few friends, a family who refuse to understand, no hobbies because I can't do them anymore, no career, no social life and I am very lonely. Things are also starting to feel a bit stretched at home but I'm sure it's just a blip.

Love and Best Wishes

Stace

Panic at the Cinema

Long weekend...

Friday night was absolutely horrible. Got Gary to take me over to cinema only to have a small panic attack in queue as it was busy and we were running late and all the other things that seemed massive at the time. So we left and drove the half hour back home. I felt so bad that I started taking out on him, clever huh?

The rest of the weekend has kind of had that hanging over it really but we did get over to cinema (twice actually) and spent some time together.

Have decided that rather than posting full length reviews, I'm gonna use a point rating /10 and a couple of words about it.

I'm extremely tired today as I had 2 hours sleep last night, just couldn't sleep, so gonna leave it there for today.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

Terminator Salvation: 6.5/10. Unintelligent entertainment

Drag Me To Hell: 9.5/10. Gross, frightening and funny as hell

Web Anxiety, Big Brother and Cooking

Hello Again,
Had such a weird morning. Dogs woke me up at 7am, had to walk them, went back to bed and then slept for much longer than I had planned for. Feeling more sleepy now than I did at 7. Oh well.

Gary's in London today and I have nothing to do - reckon the day might drag a bit.

Yesterday wasn't quite as bad as I expected though as a friend came over to see me and we dyed my hair black again.

This is all boring stuff though. Who watched Big Brother last night?

What a load of odd-uns! Might stayed tuned in for a bit but I can't help but feel dirty with that statement.

I've tried really hard not to get stressed out about anything this week, which kind of meant not really doing much, and sometimes I've still found myself getting worked up over nothing. Seriously not funny. For example, cooking, something that most people have to do if they want to eat. I have either had to ask Gary to cook or have just ended up shoving something in the oven and you know what that means...unhealthy!
Even today - cooking is about 5 hours away and I'm worrying about it. Thats screwed up.

I got anxious checking my emails the other day - web anxiety is what I'm coining it.

I seem to have a visitor (my nan) so gonna go and smile dutifully.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

Sleep, Vets, Sleep

Good Afternoon,
Wanted to point people towards a fantastic blog - http://www.mentallyinteresting.org.uk/ - funny and insightful.

Okay so I didn't watch Zoolander yesterday but I did finally start Six Feet Under like i said I would, only to fall asleep. Doh! The minute I turn off the computer and put on the TV, I'll fall asleep again, I can just sense it.

Tell me, how come in the day when I want to stay awake I can't and at night when I need to sleep its impossible. Twisted huh?

Took Amy to the vet today and she had an x-ray so she is so sleepy right now, we'll curl up and Squeezy will have run of the house - I think he'd like that.

Going to be a lonely day today. Gary's at work and at band practice tonight and I don't feel like going out of the house anymore. Driving to the vets and back twice has exhausted me. I never use to get this tired but everything is such a challenge now. Even showering tires me.

Right - enough moaning - lets see if I can actually stay awake and watch something. Haha!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

Incovenience and tiredness

Good Morning.

Just got back from walking the hounds and I think I need a nap. So tired! Got off to sleep at about 3.30am. Bloody Recreation Ground alley shut off though for tree cutting. Had to manage the dogs round the block, quite a challenge.

Feeling a little subdued today. Hope it passes quickly - I've quite enjoyed the hyperactivity of the last few days.

Think I might either start watching Six Feet Under today or maybe watch Zoolander. Seen it loads of times but will still post a review later on.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
x

Can you believe the ignorance...

You will not believe what I just came across on the internet.
A question from someone on yahoo answers.....

"My boyfriend lives with someone with Bipolar Disorder, will he catch it?"

GGGGGRRRRRR!!!!

Can you believe the ignorance that so many people must still have if that question is anything to go by?

Its 2am - I wanna sleep. Fat chance. Zopiclone for me tonight!

Stace
x

Loneliness and Film Recommendations

Not too sure right now whether I will be blogging to myself for the rest of my life but I will stick with it.

Didn't watch Six Feet Under but finally finished watching Letters from Iwo Jima. Good film, shame I don't have the concentration to watch subtitled films all in one go sometimes. Meh!

If anyone does come on here and reads this and can recommend some good films - I am always looking for new films to watch.

Love and Best Wishes

Stace x

First Post

So I don't really want to do a history of me. Especially as there's a lot of it. If you want to know something particular ask.

Little rant from me today. The last few days have been a bit weird. I have been off my Lithium for about a week because I accidentally overdosed last week and had to wait til my levels went down before I could start it again. It has sent me a little odd.

Sort of hypomanic maybe, bit overconfident for me and getting a bit more irritable, not being able to sleep, laughing a lot that sort of thing.

Well this morning I woke up after 5 hours sleep because the dogs needed to go out, well when I woke up I felt awful. I took a sleeping tablet as well as the first dose of lithium last night so I felt a little drunk this morning. Was stumbling round public park with dogs and Amy (one of the dogs) ran off and tried to go in the local community centre. Well I came up behind her and was calling her and some c**k-end told me to be quiet and shushed me.SSSHH.
I was so angry, I ignored him and restrained myself but I am still annoyed about it 3 hours later. ITS A PUBLIC PARK!! Not his back garden.

Anyway that is my first rant, I'm quite proud.

Off to watch Six Feet Under now. Gonna start watching them all again. Yea!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
xx