Apologies for my absence

Haven't had a new post for a few days now so sorry about that.

Been feeling really good and have been busy.

I'll hopefully come on here tomorrow and leave you a nice, witty, clever post but if that fails there will be something you can at least read.

If anyone wants to get in contact with me, email me at swarren11@btinternet.com

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
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I'm a quitter

Its the only thing I am consistently good at.

I have just cancelled my therapy sessions for good.

They weren't helping at all - it was such a waste of money. It was psychoanalytical counselling and it was not for me. CBT is also not for me.

So... from now on I'll take my meds, keep my head down and survive.

I feel like such a quitter now though - even though it wasn't helping I feel guilty for not carrying on. I feel bad for Annabelle my counsellor because I couldn't even build up the guts to tell her in person or even ring. Whenever I went to I got panicky.

Its 2am now and I am gonna have to take some Zopiclone.

Woohoo! Zopiclone sleep - my favourite!

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

p.s. Today wasn't quite as bad as I envisioned.

Feeling Shit

Nothing to say except I'm feeling shit.

Really tired and don't want to do anything. No energy at all.

Hoping it's just a stumble and will get better but I have an odd feeling that it will go the other way, I can usually tell.

I'm so tired of life.

Anxiety and old "friends"

Today I was meant to be on an audition panel at my local theatre. The auditions are for this years pantomime and one of my closest friends, Robert, is directing. I was quite looking forward to getting out of the house and doing something, until I found out that "she" was going to be there.

"She" was my maid of honour, much older than me - 50 - but a good friend and always so funny but when we got involved in a production together she became so unreasonable and we had a massive falling out, I won't bore you with the details.

We made up and I asked her to be my prompt for the show I directed and guess what - "she" tried to get her claws into my show too and started to direct from the prompts chair. I asked her not too, so "she" insulted me in front of the cast. Immature, huh?

I was so upset by this that I lost my confidence and ended up not directing the show, I brought in Robert to help me.

Since this incident we haven't really talked, I get panicky if I see "her" and if I know "she'll" be somewhere I struggle to want to go out.

Well... Robert invited "her" onto the casting committee today as well. Thanks for that.
I can't believe he did it, he knows how uncomfortable "she" makes me, I have been close to full on panic attacks when "she's" there and he's seen that.

So, that was a long story to say that that one little incident (me seeing on my email that"she" was going to be there today) has made me feel really, really shit.

Gary is down there now explaining and making my excuses to Robert. Feel so debilitated right now.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

My very own Dementor

Hey,

For those who haven't read the Harry Potter books this may be lost on you but I will try to explain.

For the last couple of months I have been feeling like someone is right behind me all the time. It's worse when I'm down but always there.

I realise that everyone has that odd feeling like someones watching them every now and then but I can't shift it.

It scares me when its dark and just worries me when its light. Its hard to talk about with anyone without seeming delusional, but I'm not. I know nothing is there - it just feels like there is.

Anyway, JK Rowling describes the Dementors in Harry Potter as the foulest creatures that walk this earth, if you get too near one it will suck every good feeling out of you, and if you let it it will feed on you until you are reduced to nothing, soulless, with nothing but bad memories.

When I read this, although I have read it (many times) before, I cried and cried because suddenly I could not shake the idea that this presence was a Dementor (because after all Dementors are invisible to muggles "humans").

I feel so depressed so much of the time and no matter how hard I try, I can't conjure any happy thoughts to conquer it.

I know this all sounds ridiculous and I don't really think a dementor is following me, I just found the description to be accurate to how I feel and the fact that I see no end in sight, no break from this illness and if continued I will become a shell.

I have few friends, a family who refuse to understand, no hobbies because I can't do them anymore, no career, no social life and I am very lonely. Things are also starting to feel a bit stretched at home but I'm sure it's just a blip.

Love and Best Wishes

Stace

Panic at the Cinema

Long weekend...

Friday night was absolutely horrible. Got Gary to take me over to cinema only to have a small panic attack in queue as it was busy and we were running late and all the other things that seemed massive at the time. So we left and drove the half hour back home. I felt so bad that I started taking out on him, clever huh?

The rest of the weekend has kind of had that hanging over it really but we did get over to cinema (twice actually) and spent some time together.

Have decided that rather than posting full length reviews, I'm gonna use a point rating /10 and a couple of words about it.

I'm extremely tired today as I had 2 hours sleep last night, just couldn't sleep, so gonna leave it there for today.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace

Terminator Salvation: 6.5/10. Unintelligent entertainment

Drag Me To Hell: 9.5/10. Gross, frightening and funny as hell

Web Anxiety, Big Brother and Cooking

Hello Again,
Had such a weird morning. Dogs woke me up at 7am, had to walk them, went back to bed and then slept for much longer than I had planned for. Feeling more sleepy now than I did at 7. Oh well.

Gary's in London today and I have nothing to do - reckon the day might drag a bit.

Yesterday wasn't quite as bad as I expected though as a friend came over to see me and we dyed my hair black again.

This is all boring stuff though. Who watched Big Brother last night?

What a load of odd-uns! Might stayed tuned in for a bit but I can't help but feel dirty with that statement.

I've tried really hard not to get stressed out about anything this week, which kind of meant not really doing much, and sometimes I've still found myself getting worked up over nothing. Seriously not funny. For example, cooking, something that most people have to do if they want to eat. I have either had to ask Gary to cook or have just ended up shoving something in the oven and you know what that means...unhealthy!
Even today - cooking is about 5 hours away and I'm worrying about it. Thats screwed up.

I got anxious checking my emails the other day - web anxiety is what I'm coining it.

I seem to have a visitor (my nan) so gonna go and smile dutifully.

Love and Best Wishes
Stace
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